A very European dilemma

With a (fake) name like La Rouge, there was no way this politically-charged ape was missing out on ticking a box down at the Carrib Youth and Community Centre, which for one day only parades itself as POLLING STATION for the European Elections. A little map on the back of my polling card told me where to go, and big signs saying VOTE HERE and POLLING STATION told me I had arrived.

Through the swinging doors of paint-stripped wood and reinforced glass (textbook community hall chic) and after a short, polite conversation with the Returning Officer I was stooped over in a booth. As I clutched my squat, blunt 4B pencil and unfolded the reams of paper I felt, the weight. The weight of democratic responsibility. That soon faded, and I began to try and decipher the jumbled words in front of me. Below is what I read, accompanied by what I thought.

"Liberal Democrats"
"Conservative Party"
"The Labour Party"

Your basic threesome. The idea of European elections suggest an air of je ne sais quoi, a continental allure if you will. I don't want to pick a party I always hear about when Andrew Marr or Nick Robinson weasel their way onto my tellybox. Next.

"Jury Team"

Jury...Team.....Jury Team? What does that even mean! I imagine a crime-fighting outfit headed up by Judge John Deed (packing serious AK47 heat), flanked by Kavanagh QC (back from the dead, wielding filthy switchblades) and Judge Judy (all angry-looking as she spits the pin of a grenade from her lipstick-laden gnarled up mouth). "Court DISMISSED," she howls, as jurors dive below their benches for cover and the defendants flee back to cells from whence they came, relieved to take a life of imprisonment rather than face..... JURY TEAM. Coming soon to ITV2.

Concluding this is NOT what Jury Team are, I move on. Disappointed.

"The Socialist Party of Great Britain"

Is this Labour? No, already had them. So this must be a racist Labour. I don't want to vote for a racist Labour.

"The Green Party"

All trees and shit. 'Ride a bike, save a tree', yeah and kill myself. Tree saved. Me killed. Fuck off.

"Socialist Labour Party"

Another Labour party!? How many do they want? Greed bastards. I'm not voting for them now, mainly because I'm not sure if these ones are the racists. I think 'socialist' suggests they aren't, but you can't be too sure. You're never more than ten feet from a racist. Wonder if the Returning Officer is one?

"Libertas.eu"

That's a website, not a political party. And, it sounds too much like Veritas. The party once headed up by that big racist silverfox Robert Killroy (if 'roy' is code for all foreigners) Silk.

"No2EU - Yes to Democracy"

Text speak? In the name of what they are clearly hoping to pass off as a credible political party? Oh dear. Is that how easy it is to name a party these days? Grab a policy and give it to a 16-year-old to write down? What next, NOtax4DApoor? Rubbish. Next.

"English Democrats Party"

Now these must be racists. They're not even British, they're 'English'. Even the BNP invite Welsh and Scottish skinhead numbnuts to their rallies.

"Christian Party - Proclaiming Christ's Lordship"

I'm not going to knock anyone for their religious beliefs. It's a very ignorant thing to do. But, I can see some problems ahead for this party. Proclaiming a faith which is based wholly on a book written 2,000 years ago, I very much doubt The Bible will have answers for some of today's European political hot potatoes. Unless some lesser known books within the holy text have been discovered without my knowledge. Perhaps the contents page of God's bestseller now reads; 'Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Immigration Between Member States, Numbers, External Trade Agreements, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Environmental Policy etc...'. Or maybe it doesn't. In fact, it definitely doesn't.

"British National Party"

Daft racists.

So where shall I put my 'X'? I'm not that convinced by anyone, and what could be worse than accidentally voting for the wrong ones!? What if the wrong ones win, by one vote? Too much pressure. Spoil your ballot La Rouge. 4HB, do your worse.

One poorly sketched giant cock and balls later and I'm outta there. Away from all the political nonsensery and home in time for Hollyoaks.